-This is actually quite hard for me to put into print because, in part, I’m still having a hard time dealing with the reality of the situation. As you may or may not know, I have two older cats – Scruffy and Five-Paw. I should say “had” because, in the early morning of Wednesday December 11, 2024, one of my baby boys – Five-Paw – passed away. I still can’t believe it… 2024 has been a brutal year for me in so many ways for the most part, but I’ve endured and finally, in December, when things ( in part) were starting to look like they were moving towards an upswing, this happens…

-I first encountered Five-Paw when he was a stray. He was actually with two other cats that kind of hung around my parent’s home for a few years. My cat Scruffy was already staying with them cause it was better for him to do so. It got to the point where food was being left out for those strays daily and I even invested in a large igloo-like outdoor cat house for them to stay in when it got cold / bad outside. I called him “Five-Paw” because he has five toes on each paw. I couldn’t think of another name and it eventually stuck. The other two cats eventually disappeared (I don’t know what happened to the one and I suspect a little girl took away the other). That left Five-Paw, who was always on that porch. Very loyal. I wanted to take him in, but Dad didn’t want another cat in the household. I had no say at this time, so he had to stay outside. That didn’t deter Five-Paw though. One day, the front door was slightly open and he darted right inside! It took awhile for Dad to get him and bring him back outside. Regardless, he was still fed daily and the igloo kept dry as best we could.

-Forward to November 2019. Dad had passed away. Me & Mom now owned the home. After about a week or two, I just made the decision that Five-Paw was coming inside for good and that was that. His “gotcha” day being November 17, 2019. His actual age isn’t know, but the estimate was ten years at the time I adopted him so… When I first met him, he had two large fang-like teeth in front, but when we “got him,” he had only one left. He’d eventually lose that one a few years later (I have it) -which had me change his diet to more wet food; even though he’d still want to nibble on the dry food like his brother Scruffy. This would cause him to throw it up from time to time, but that’s part of having a cat right? They have their roles: Five-Paw was Da Vomitter and Scruffy was Da Pooper 🙂

-One of the best things about bringing in Five-Paw was that he was such a gentle soul. Outside of one time (on accident), he’s never clawed me – or bitten me for that matter. I can’t even recall him ever being aggressive. Just a very chill cat who was a cuddle-bug. Being that, he latched onto my Mom early on to where you could say he was “her cat” (as Scruffy was “Dad’s cat”). I truly believed he helped her in dealing with Dad’s passing. He was always wanting to be around her and, most of the time, that was the case. I wish Dad had let Five-Paw in at the time. I know he would’ve loved him just as much as me and Mom did.

-Fast forward to January 2022. Mom had passed away. Although living in the same household, Scruffy and Five-Paw never really bonded. They just basically tolerated each other. Once in a great while it might get tense, but for the most part they knew their boundaries and stayed within them. Five-Paw started hanging around me more, with both cats helping me deal with the loss of my parents and moving on. Life was going well for my boys and I did the best I could to make sure they were both comfortable and happy as much as possible. At one point, Five-Paw even got kind of close to being as big as Scruffy. Two chonky bro cats 🙂 This all lasted for a few years.

-Then 2024 starts – and in the first month, an event hit me that, along with several other things that shortly followed, threw me into some very bad all around hardship. In many ways, 2024 has been my worse year to date. However, regardless of what was happening to me, I made sure to do all I could so that my boys were not affected and living the life they were accustomed to – kind of like with Mom actually – and I believe that, for the most part, I succeeded. All seemed well with them as the year progressed – until October… That’s when I started to notice that Five-Paw was starting to lose weight. It might have started a month or two earlier, but October was when I started to really notice it. His last exam, late 2023, showed he’d lost a pound, but this was more than that. In addition, he started to avoid his wet food. He just wanted his water and treats (Squeeze-Ups by Delectables). Due to the hardships I was facing, I was unable to take either cat to the vet for checkup and their shots. It took me a lot of effort (plus a blessing of good luck – for a change…), but I managed to raise the funds to finally take him to the vet, where they did a urine test and blood test. Both would turn out bad. The urine test showed that he had kidney disease, stage 3 of 4. This was a progressive disease, not regressive. There’s no cure, and it would eventually take his life This was bad enough, but then came the blood test. Five-Paw had anemia – and apparently some kind of auto-immune disease that was preventing him from regrowing red blood cells. He was already at a low level as is – and this would end his life sooner than the kidney disease. However, at this stage, outside of the weight loss, it was like nothing was wrong. He was still cuddly and purring and I didn’t see him in pain. Yes, I know cats can be very stoic and are good at hiding their pain, but I just didn’t see it. Of course, the vet already brought up “quality of life,” but also suggested two medications that could help slow and perhaps cure the anemia (another possible cure, a blood transfusion, was way out of my reach financially- which sucks cause it sounded like that would’ve gotten rid of it).

-So I initially had the one medication to give to him, which led me to have my first “towel-wrapping burrito cat” experience. He wasn’t a fan of it, (and I admit I wasn’t a fan of doing that to him either), but I had to do it. This is when he accidentally scratched me by the way… The second medication didn’t arrive till almost 2 weeks later – due to a miscommunication and such. On top of that, my hardships have me pushing myself to my limits (sometimes past them) more often than not – which I’ve been doing for a good chunk of 2024 ( which has currently just shifted up to a higher gear) – so I missed a day or two with the medication. I kept at it though and did the best I could.

-I started dropping things to spend more time with him and, for awhile, he seemed to be stable. He wasn’t getting better, but he wasn’t getting worse – and it stayed that way till that second medication came in. Initially it was OK, but then things started to go downhill. Even then, I didn’t see any signs of pain. What I did see was that he was hiding more and it was taking me longer to find where his new hiding spots were or worse, to get him out of them. He was still drinking a lot of water, but eating less and less.

-Eventually, he was hardly eating or drinking at all, as well as not moving around much. After the last vet visit, I lost faith that Five-Paw would recover. History was repeating itself in that this was, in some ways, a replay of what happened with both of my parents. Reluctantly, I started looking into avenues to have Five-Paw put to sleep. To even see that in print is horrifying to me. Nevertheless, I was still hoping for a miracle – that he would somehow pull thru. Sadly, that miracle never arrived. Deja Vu. A day or two after I started that research, Five-Paw passed away at home in the early morning of Wednesday December 11, 2024.

-To say I am devastated by this is an understatement. This is hitting me as hard as the loss of my parents; in many ways even harder… Five-Paw was one of my “boys.” I don’t have any children (that I know of- ha) so my cats are probably the closest I’ll ever come to that. I always wanted to outlive them so they don’t end up separated and / or put in a shelter, but now with one of them actually gone… While I said my goodbyes on the morning he died, I was able to visit Five-Paw one last time on the 17th at the funeral home. I can’t remember crying as much or as hard before. His ashes are now home as of the 20th. It’s so hard to come to grips with it all. He was basically fine a few months ago and now…

-As I said before, I still haven’t fully processed all this. Part of it is due to me currently replacing depression with exhaustion – and yes, I know that’s not sustainable, but I don’t really have a say about it at this time. Maybe I’ll get into it more with my Year in Review in a few weeks or so. Maybe… I miss him so much. There’s so many things – like he was always the first to greet me when I came home… I have to remind myself over and over that if I didn’t bring him in when I did, he wouldn’t have survived for as long as he did. I wish I was able to spend more time with him, but I feel all pet owners feel that way, in various degrees, about their fur babies. There’s just never enough time…

-I’ve never been very religious, but it’s times like this where I do wish there was proof of an afterlife; and in this case, that the whole rainbow bridge thing was certain. I guess I won’t know till I join “the club” that none of us can escape from right? It also makes me hopeful that Five-Paw is with my parents until the day when me and Scruffy can join them. Till then, I will always carry you in my heart Five-Paw. I love and miss you so deeply and will never forget you. My world has become darker now that that your light has been extinguished. It’s just me and Scruffy now…