11/6/2020-THINKING-One Year Has Passed…

-It’s been one year now since you left on November 6, 2019. It’s hard for me to comprehend this day even ever coming to pass…It’s an old saying, but it seems like it was only yesterday while at the same time feeling like it was a lifetime ago-and in some ways, it IS like a lifetime went by because, in my opinion, when the death of someone you loved so much happens, you go thru changes. While there are parts of your past life that stay with you (and always will), there are now sections that are just…gone…and / or transformed… One enters a new stage, whether you want to or not. In some ways I feel like I was fortunate to stay in the “gear” that I was in for so long. Now, the person I was even two years ago, let alone five or more years, feels like a stranger to me in so many ways…

-It’s hard for me to put into words how I actually feel cause I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. I guess the closest I can get is to say that there’s this emptiness inside of me now. I mean, I kind of had that within me for decades. Some people may know that I go to battle with depression from time to time – and sometimes those wars become rather intense, but this is different. Most of my depressions stem from things that have happened in the past (like relationships) and / or frustrations that I’m currently going thru, but all that pales in comparison to this. I’m sure there’s a lot of factors adding up to how I currently feel. Obviously the main one is the loss of you Dad, but there are other contributing factors. With the benefit of 2020 hindsight, for example, I know that my life, overall, has (more often than not) been on a decline since 2013. I have had to deal with a lot of issues, like most people, but I wasn’t able to recover from some major ones before the next “wave” hit and, as a result due to those “waves” hitting again and again, the “good ship WWJ” is taking on more and more water due to all the holes in its hull. I’ve been able to patch up some of them, but so far it’s all baby steps. Sometimes I take a step forward, but end up taking one or more steps back. Some of these “holes’ I feel I’ll never be able to patch up. Aging isn’t helping and my Sarcoidosis (Sarco) really made its presence known this year. I definitely had to change a number of things in my life just to make it thru the day, whether I wanted to or not. I have to make sure Mom and the cats are taken care of. It’s funny-it’s like I now have an “instant family” which I’m still learning how to deal with on a daily basis. So much has changed…

-I think there are some things that have happened in this past year that you would’ve been proud of me doing Dad, while simultaneously being frustrated at the number of things I should’ve resolved by now. Unfortunately, between advancing age, Sarco, my “wonderful” work schedule and some choices that I’ve had to make – I’m currently bogged down to a large degree in several areas. I AM working my way out of the quagmire, albeit one tenacious baby step at a time. The pace just adds to my frustrations, but even just one foot forward at a time helps. The “hurry up and wait” credo from acting has helped me here more often than not. Peace of mind has also become a priority and helps in holding back the waves of overwhelm at times…

-Mom is doing OK. The good days outweigh the bad-which has reversed from the beginning of the year more or less. Having said that, there are times when it’s just like when you were here- and even, at times, surges even worse for a time. You know the situation… Things have come a long way, but still have even further to go. We didn’t even celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas last year but this time we will, albeit to a much, much lesser degree. She misses you so much-as do I. Scruffy is still being a little brat at times, but is still overall a lovable chubster. I’m sure he misses you deeply-as do we all. I wish you would’ve been here when we brought in Five-Paw; I think you would’ve gotten along great with him-as well as be happy that Mom finally has her own “cat. ” Having said that, she still tries to boss both cats around at times. You know how things were and still are…

-It’s funny, when your birthday arrived I was planning on writing here but decided to wait till the anniversary of your passing. Having said that, it still took me weeks to finally have the time to finish and post this (11/26/20-Thanksgiving-to be exact). I don’t really have any days off, per se, and have pretty much been going non-stop with very little “true” rest since you passed to make sure that Mom and the cats are taken care of. I know that, even with all you were going thru in the hospital, your thoughts were on me and Mom doing well and being able to get thru things right to the end. Now, that torch has been passed on to me… Some days I feel like I’m doing OK. Other days I struggle and still other days I feel like I’m on the verge of imploding…

-I have to say that I’m glad you didn’t have to go thru all the Covid-19, masks, social distancing, lock downs and political stuff in 2020. I’m sure all of that would’ve been quite stressful for you. Having said that, I still wish you were here. I wish things were different, but they’re not and never will be. I don’t know if I’ll be doing an entry like this in the following years-I’m still being quite protective of you and Mom as much as I can and I’m still not 100% sure I should be writing this-much less posting it online. So many things are changing… I don’t even know if the world as we now know it will be even here a year from now. There’s just so much hatred, disinformation, tension and division in the world right now. All I do know is that I will keep trying to make life good for Mom and the cats-as well as doing my best to living up to your standards. One step at a time. One day at a time. I miss you so much Dad. I wish I could talk to you and get your input on so many things. Perhaps one day…

About Wayne W. Johnson

Hiya-this is WWJ & thanks for dropping by to my site! I hope you enjoy your visit to my home away from home online. If you have any questions, comments and /or concerns about this site, please let me know via the CONTACT page. Thanks & best wishes to you & yours!
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